Third draft of script

KICK OFF!

Ep.1 Ser.1 – Jamie.

(Jamie arrives at football training in his Mercedes. Low camera shot from rear left wheel, door opens, well dressed male steps out and walks towards the ground, walking past dozens of less expensive and less flash cars)

SCENE 1

(Jamie is the last person to arrive at the meeting room; everyone stares for a while, as Jamie looks troubled)

Jamie

Alright lads?

(Huge cheer and all team surround him)

(Jamie appears caught off guard, and does not know what is occurring)

Barry

(Whilst thrusting and grinding)

Congratulations mate! I see you have finally got on the score sheet!

(All team sport a cheeky cheer)

All Team

WHHEEEERRYYYYYYYY!!!!

Jamie

Get Lost!

(still looking troubled, shrugs off his jacket and walks towards the bar)

(They all crowd around Jamie)

Terry

Oi Oi! Whats with the boat race, I thought you’d be up in adams cause yer avin a little chavvy!

(Jamie draws a nickel plated .44 magnum handgun from his waist, fires towards the camera – back into the crowd of players. When the shot fires, the screen shoots to black, and a thud from the sound of a body droping to the floor)

SCENE 2

(Camera pans from meeting room to changing room, all the team are mocking Jamie)

Terry

I’m surprised you actually had it in ya!

Jamie

Oh thanks/

Terry

Is what you should have said to her!

All Team

WEEEEHHHHEEEEEEYYYY!!!

(Manager enters and everybody retreats to their stations, a hushed tone is ensued)

Mike

ALRIGHT LADS, settle down now, we’ve got a lot of work to do today, and we can’t have this foolishness getting in the way…now (continues rambling)

(Whilst mike is talking, Nick leans over to Jamie and begins to whisper something)

Nick

You got it?

Jamie

(looking down, suspicious) No, I told you not yet, I’m doing my best.

Nick

I told you three days, it’s been four

Jamie

I can’t give you something I haven’t got

Nick

(begins to get closer to Jamie’s face, and intimidates him extremely)

Then you shouldn’t borrow something you can’t pay back. Now you know where you can get it, you know where to drop it off, and you know when to do it, so I suggest you do it tonight, or for every day your late, I’ll take a finger from your mother’s hand, if I run out fingers I’ll take toes, and if I run out of toes I can/

Mike

OI! Are you listening or what?

Nick

(only nicks attention is directed at Mike, but he still can talk to Jamie)

Say you’re sorry

Jamie

Sorry Boss

Mike

(To Jamie) you. Outside. Now.

(Camera pans to the corridor, and finds Mike and Jamie discussing)

Mike

What the fuck was all that about in there? You looked as white as a shite.

Jamie

I know boss, it’s just that.../

Mike

I mean, I know you’re not the kind of sort to say boo to a goose, but Jesus lad, it looks like the goose has crawled up your backside and stayed there!

Jamie

If you’ll just let me explain gaffer

Mike

Go on then son, I’m all ears

Jamie

Well you see, I have this predicament, and if I’m not out of it anytime soon then I’m done here. I’m done in this club, the career, the country, just I have to get out of it/

Mike

Whoa! Whoa! lad calm down, tell me what’s happened.

Jamie

I can’t boss, I just can’t

Mike

If that Nick fella is giving you any grief, just let me know son and he’s out, you came through the academy anyways and he’s only on loan from Real Betis or whatever the fuck you wanna call ‘em

Jamie

No, it’s not, I mean, it wasn’t, just, can I miss today sir? I promise I’ll put 200 in tomorrow?

Mike

Go on lad get out of here, make sure you’re alright, in fact have the week off, I’ll see at the game on Saturday

Jamie

Cheers Boss

(Jamie runs down the corridor and slams through the fire exit doors, one door falls closed, sound of American tyres screeching; close up of Mike, showing a face of disappointment)

Shot from inside changing room, all players are conversing except Nick, who awaits the door.

The door opens and in walks mike

(Mike walks slowly to middle of the room, whilst he and nick exchange dirty looks, a short silence follows)

Mike

(In a disheartened tone) alright lads, let’s get out there.

SCENE 3

Still shot of Jamie’s house, re car drives past, panning the camera shot into the front room

(Alex; a 22 year old woman who is Jamie girlfriend, is asleep in the living room, covered in an array of trash on the sofa)

Jamie

Right, up

Alex

(jumping up and bouncy)

What baby? Ooh you were good last night!

Jamie

We got a fucking issue on our hands

Alex

(hands on approach to Jamie)

Oooh I love it when you’re angry!

Jamie

Just shut the fuck up alright! I need some space, go clean something, or have sex with something, (increasingly getting agitated) or better yet just FUCK OFF.

Alex

Fine, I might just go to my mums today or I might go for a swim I’m not sure, what’s your mum doing today baaaabe?

Jamie

Its fuck all to do with you, now just leave me alone.

Alex

Oh. Well is this about me telling the team that I’m pregnant?

Jamie

(slowly looks round to Alex in a dumbfounded expression)

Wha, you did what?

Alex

Yeah, Nick came round earlier, looking for you, so I said you went out already

Jamie

What happened then?

Alex

He just left

Jamie

Hang on; why you would tell him you’re pregnant

Alex

Cause I am? Stoopid.

Jamie

And you told the whole team?

Alex

Yeah why?

Jamie

Who else have you got to tell?

Alex

Well your mum when I next see her (mutters to self) erm my parents and family (mutters again) you when you get back from training, your brothers, my boss/

Jamie

Wait what was that middle one?

Alex

(Realising what she’s done and begins to slow speech down)

You when you get back from training…

Jamie

Yeah.

Alex

I’m so sorry! I was gonna wait till y’/

Jamie

So the whole team new, before I did?

Alex

Well yeah bu/

Jamie

Including nick?

Alex

Obviously but you gotta realize that/

Jamie

The very same fucking bastard who has kidnapped my fucking mother?!

And he was here today?! Right we’re gone, get a bag, we’re off.

Alex

He’s do’..? wha? (begins to overreact and play on the melodrama of the situation) oh my god oh my god oh my god!

Jamie

Be quiet for fucks sake, just get in the car.

Alex

But where will we go?

Jamie

Leave that to me.

(Shot to Black)

Findings from Focus Group Questions!

The focus group questions I asked, were to see what the members of the focus group viewed specific details of my script. For example the first question, “What are your thoughts and feelings about the character of Jamie?” I had mixed reviews such as someone felt he was “a naïve character, a bit thick”, contrasted with an answer like," I felt he was a character who felt guilty about something and that his consequences may take over his personal life.” This is a delighting review even though they may not be positive. It just shows that a character I created appeals to a wide audience and can be perceived in different ways. I’ll try to add different elements to Jamie’s character during writing the next draft of the script such as, maybe a catchphrase or some different character traits, to give the character some depth.

I have also had some negative response about the narrative itself, a couple said there was a “lack of action”, so I think less work needs to be focused on the actual narrative, and more confrontational scenes, and to add more aspects of conflict should see some of the readers/viewers pleased and feel that they would want to continue watching.

Another comment that was made is that there should be more clarification within the script so that the audience knows where the story may be going, and that they can anticipate certain parts of the story. But if I include these I feel it may be an exercise in futility as if you know what’s going to happen, how can you enjoy it? I have decided to make the story lines tie together at the end of the series to it compels the audience to continue watching the whole programme. It will be like a parallel universe for some people for 1 hour per week, and I feel it will be a story some people can really sink in to. 

I chose a focus group of four randomly selected people to give a copy of the second draught of my T.V. Drama script to, and asked them a few questions on what they saw.

What are your views on the character of Jamie?
- i thought that Jamie was someone who felt guilty, and the consequences may affect his personal life
- he seems like the average male im how he handles the situation
- a bit thick, and a bit naive
- dont really know, just a bit of a guy that's all

What do you like about the script?
- reckon its alright, needs explaining a bit more though
- needs work but lt could turn out decent
- something needs to happen, a bit boring
- seems like its building up to something, but it should happen soon

What do you not like?
- its lack of detail, work on explaining a bit more so the audience can understand it
- not much, need to do something with it though, like a new character or something
- it hasn't got much to be based on, the main focus should be the football club
- lack of action, needs more action

What do you think will happen next?
- i reckon the Jamie guy will end up slipping up and it'll all come out
- someone will die or something
- a teammate will help Jamie and Alex will be okay
- the manager will get involved soon

What else should be included?
- a bit more humour
- something that can grip the audience
- a climax of some sort
- manager to have more of an input